Word: baldingly
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...premonition that somebody's going to get killed trying to measure Ron Perelman's waist. In August, Perelman, a billionaire who normally avoids speaking to the press, granted an interview to the New York Times. Apparently trying to alter the widespread public impression of him as a pudgy little bald guy surrounded by glowering security guards, Perelman said, "I do take a fat picture, but I've got a 28-in. waist...
...would pudgy little bald guys who'd never been within hailing distance of a famously glamorous woman react to the implication that Ron Perelman's edge in such matters is not his billions but six or eight inches in the breadbasket? I began to picture such a guy, hunched over his fourth or fifth gin in a cheap saloon. On the bar in front of him is a well-worn copy of the Times interview and a magazine with Ellen Barkin on the cover. The guy is insisting that Ron Perelman does not have a 28-in. waist...
...will he prove it? Perelman's tailor? No, the Times said everyone on the payroll signs a confidentiality agreement. After weeks of stewing, the pudgy little bald guy comes to a desperate decision: he will snatch Perelman, take him to a secret location and measure both his waist and his inseam. The second measurement is just in case Perelman calls the Times next year to say that despite the misleading impression left by photographs taken in dark clubs among leggy women, he is in fact 5 ft. 11 1/2 in. tall...
...pudgy little bald guy can't forget about it. He does manage to get close to Perelman--the security guards apparently assume from his appearance that he's a relative--but then a burst of automatic gunfire nearly cuts him in half. The security guards later tell police that they shot because one of them thought he'd spotted a Javanese garroting device inside the pudgy little bald guy's jacket. When the police turn him over, of course, it turns out to have been a tape measure...
...they?ve got. ?Rogaine? trumpet the latest ads, ?Stronger than heredity.? The marketing mavens at Pharmacia & Upjohn may be onto an elemental truth: Men who are worried about losing their hair are far more obsessive about their scalps than men who have actually stared into the shiny face of baldness. And in the ongoing tradition of avoidance, this new marketing tack allows men who harbor dark fears about their follicles? future to take decisive action to stave off potential hair loss, all while avoiding the dreaded ?b? word. ?The new campaign doesn?t say: You?re a bald person...