Word: bathroom
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After the first hour, it became difficult to find reasons to be in the bathroom. I grew so self-conscious after the first seven minutes at the urinal that I began to mutter things like "My bladder is as full as the guest list at the Vanity Fair party" and "Katzenberg makes...
...have seen the best-paid minds of my generation urinate. That's because my editor agreed to send me to the Oscars only if I spent the entire time in the men's bathroom. That's because my editor is a mean, bitter woman who has serious jealousy issues about my career and wants to sleep with me. I'm very good at this revenge thing...
...turns out that staying in the bathroom is no worse than watching the ceremony, which is the least manly way of spending an evening other than crocheting while watching the Miss America Pageant. It's even worse if you're seated so far back that you're five rows in front of Gary Coleman and therefore can't make out any onstage cleavage. Plus it was hard being constantly reminded that in terms of pull in the entertainment community, I've only got five rows on Coleman. My agent already got a call...
Anyway, the cool kids hang out by the open bar in the lobby. The really cool kids, I figured, would be in the bathroom getting high and beating up Army Archerd. Hollywood is just like high school...
Unfortunately, just like in high school, no one was talking to me. Which made my stay even more boring, since there was no good primping to watch. The bathroom's only mirrors were against the urinals, which said more about the entertainment industry than anything that happened on the stage. Without mirrors, people at the sinks had to face one another, which offered some uncomfortable moments. That is, until everyone's favorite irrepressible foreign madman, Roberto Benigni, looked up to discover a friend across the way. They immediately started doing that fake mime mirror thing. I don't know...