Word: buffeted
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...some bargain luxury to be had in Puerto Rico at the Spanish-owned Gran Melia resort, which is extending its booking window for TIME.com readers. You'll get a $99-per-night deal if you book two nights, or $85 if you book three nights, including a breakfast buffet, through Sept. 30 as part of the "Summer Under the Sun" package. The rate is for a garden-view junior suite, but hey, with the golfing, pools and ocean right outside, you won't be in your room that much anyway. If you get tired of the beach, the resort...
...found myself in a position to take action. I was gifted a $325 ticket to the new Yankee Stadium to see Satan's pinstriped nine play my beloved Baltimore Orioles. It turns out that $325 buys not just an excellent seat but access to the all-you-can-eat buffet in the superswanky Legends Suite. My plan was simple: eat enough so that at the end of the season, the accountants would say, "What happened on May 19? We lost so much on concessions that night that we can no longer afford to steal a small-market team's best...
...technically in the Bronx, I'd calculate the damage in estimated Manhattan prices. Sure enough, upon entering the Legends Suite with my ludicrously expensive ticket, I was immediately met by celebrity chef April Bloomfield of fancy Manhattan gastro-pub the Spotted Pig. The whole foyer is a massive buffet with countless stations, and April served up a pork-belly sandwich that was very moist - so moist that the bread fell apart. Really, April? I washed this down with a chateaubriand cheeseburger on a puffy little brioche that was completely perfect. So I ordered another. I estimated...
After a survey of the rest of the buffet turned up only healthy, inexpensive options, I began to wonder where my seat was. Turns out you can't really see the game from the buffet area, and it dawned on me that I had been in a room like this before - at Foxwoods Resort Casino. During a brief foray into high-stakes gambling, a friend and I got comped and dove into a mountain of shrimp and lobster tails before stepping out into the casino jacked up on seafood and self-loathing. Well, the Legends Suite is just like that...
...movie's first title card reads: "Lars von Trier." And the second: "Antichrist." It's almost the Danish director's job description, for he revels in his carefully honed reputation as the nutcake in the buffet of international cinema. So leave it to von Trier to slap a somnolent Cannes festival to life - in fact, to smack it silly. (See TIME's photos from the red carpet at Cannes...