Word: bug
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Anti-gay, sexist, and generally misanthropic, these comments portray a pretty bleak world-view. "Some days you're the bug," reads one of the more articulate enunciation. "Other days you're the windshield...
...only to cute little shore birds caught in oil spills, but also to rare species of beetles and other less cuddly creatures that happen to live on private property. The development of many small businesses has been halted by the government because the land in question is a rare bug's natural habitat...
...Look, A Public Display of Affection/I'm Going to Puke. HONEY. HONEY BUN. LOVE BUG. LOVER BOY. DREAM GIRL...
...sayings like SOLID, SMILE and even LOVE. There were other problems with my system. What was I to do when the heart's saying was poorly stamped? Did I assume it was mistake, or consider it an entirely new message? For example, I had a few instances of LOVE BUG that looked more like LOVE BUS, and one especially ambiguous New Age-y heart which simply said. BE Other hearts were eerily blank...
...Hallmark Cards. You could never imagine one of them closing their doors. When things get really bad, that's when you need to drown your sorrows in a 49 cent burger and read a Shoebox Greeting from somebody who loves you--like your Mom, perhaps, who won't bug you about not being able to find a job or a summer internship...