Word: cassandra
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...When Cassandra saw the results, she was upset, although not in the way I had hoped. "God, I hope he doesn't have Asperger's," she yelled at the screen. Some people, apparently, learn to compensate for weak genes by developing their trash-talking skills...
...look good for me when our son Laszlo came from the womb all blond, blue-eyed and generally un-Jewy. In an earlier century, I would have had no choice but to trick my wife Cassandra into a best-of-three contest using a method that depends on my genetically inherited lack of rhythm. But with just a vial of spit each from Cassandra, myself and Laszlo, I could find out with DNA-lab-tested certainty which of us had influenced our child more. And for those of you worried about our putting him through this, know that...
...Cassandra's results came back first, because of the fact that, genetically, she's more likely to remember to mail stuff. We were both shocked at the amount of information contained in her spit, which heretofore had revealed only how recently she brushed. Her spit knew stuff about her she didn't know, like how sensitive she is to pain (average) and whether her IQ would have been higher if her mom hadn't given her formula...
...normal person, Cassandra's genetic results are excellent: a very low chance of getting Parkinson's, breast cancer or ovarian cancer and a good chance of becoming a professional sprinter. But there was one recent study that implied that one of her DNA sequences might signify a slightly higher risk of obesity. This meant that for a week, my very thin wife walked around the house throwing away various items like cookies, which she called obesity makers...
...days later, I got the results for Laszlo and me. It turns out that while Laszlo and Cassandra's genome-wide comparison is 83.82% similar, he and I are 83.95% alike. Which means he is 0.13% more like me than he is like her. Which means that despite appearances, I totally won the Gene Bowl. And that's not even counting the fact that unlike her, Laszlo and I both have penises. So more like...