Word: cassandra
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...first thoughts following the birth of my son Laszlo - after figuring out how to get a pizza into the hospital - was, "What happens if my lovely wife Cassandra and I die in a car crash?" I'm not sure what kind of life I thought Cassandra and I would have driving around late at night, wasted, without our child, but I wish we had worked harder to pursue...
...wearing a Hawaiian T-shirt. I told Dr. Magnum P.I. about my constant anxiety, insomnia and headaches - two more conditions than any previous patient had bothered to mention. He freaked out and gave me a pot license for only six months until I saw a psychologist. My lovely wife Cassandra, however, got a full year's prescription by claiming she was afflicted with a condition called "menstruation." Looking back, I'm pretty sure I could have used that...
...vast majority of that Sugar Kush is still in our house, mostly because Cassandra found an even more effective solution to menstruation called pregnancy. But also because shopping for pot in California is more fun than using it. So when Attorney General Eric Holder declared that the Federal Government would quit busting dispensaries, removing even the hint of consequences for medical-marijuana use, my heart ached for small-time American pot dealers. They can't compete on price, selection, customer service, quality control or not-getting-arrestedness, and they have no skills that translate into another industry. They're almost...
...decided that for one week I would buy only stuff that was on sale. My first mistake was getting my lovely wife Cassandra to join me. The speed with which she both agreed and went to her computer should have clued me in to the fact that while I envisioned coupon-clipping and circular-reading, she saw the doors swing open to a World Wide Web of crap. Did you know there's an amber teething necklace that the baby doesn't actually put in his mouth but that works by releasing soothing warmth? And would you believe that...
...Cassandra and I woke up early on Saturday and ordered the surprisingly delicious small breakfast of eggs, potatoes and bacon or sausage. Of course, an Ikea breakfast normally costs 99¢. And after eating our $1.98 in savings, we bought $102.98 worth of Ikea products. I do not remember what a Trojka is, but I am relatively certain we did not need it. I was starting to think Tuttle's cheapskate philosophy is to trick other people into having breakfast at Ikea so he can borrow their Trojkas for free...