Word: cassandras
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...years, I had a plan for my 20th high school reunion: I was going to hire a giant-breasted hooker with lots of makeup and tell everyone she was my wife. Unfortunately, my actual wife Cassandra totally didn't get why it was funny for her to stay with my mom in New Jersey while I went out with a hooker. She wasn't even willing to dress like a hooker, though she did tell me not to wear a blazer because it would look as if I was trying too hard to impress my classmates. I thought...
...left a little before midnight, when Cassandra got bored, even though Jeff's wife didn't look bored at all. But most people closed the party, then the bar and then went upstairs to Colleen's suite. And apparently the potent mixture of nostalgia, Coors Light and a $122 investment caused some possibly otherwise married people to hook up. This, it turns out, is the reason spouses go to reunions. I'm definitely going to Cassandra's. Sure, it was an all-girls school, but I'm not taking any chances...
Still, it's possible that Cassandra and I could get into some sort of freak accident in which the TiVo remote flew out of my hand and sliced both our jugulars, so we discussed whom we'd choose as Laszlo's legal guardian. We immediately thought of my father and his wife, since they are responsible, patient, happy, amazing with children and very rich. But they're old. Laszlo would think music consisted of nothing but Steve Lawrence and Brenda Lee and was accessible only through four-digit cable channels. Plus, they live in the Hamptons, so Laszlo would grow...
...Cassandra's parents are loving and good at baking, gardening, repairing stuff and other skills that Cassandra and I pay people for. But they're a little too country; they think window screens are for stuck-up people, and not once since I've known them have they been able to use their cell phones. Besides, they live in Hoosick Falls, N.Y. - a town so small, there weren't enough people to stop someone from naming it Hoosick Falls. Cassandra's brother Brian is very into video games and anime and is definitely going to be our choice for guardian...
...know they'd love Laszlo as their own child once he was in their home. Besides, Ben was going to have to teach him how to play sports even if we survived the TiVo accident. As we discussed the Wu kids' hobbies, college funds and cute clothes, Cassandra looked at me and said, "I want to be raised by the Wus." And the truth is, after taking all those babies, we owe the Chinese at least...