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From that moment, I began to do a little research of my own--with some unsettling finds. I started by investigating the man himself. FBI files show that there is no "Santa Claus" living anywhere in North America. The one "Chris Cringle" I was able to locate is an inmate in a Flat Pig, Missouri, insane asylum. Perhaps Santa lives in the North Pole, you say. Guess again. Military satellite photos of the icecap have shown no evidence of Santa's workshop anywhere above the 66th parallel. A brief glimmer of hope for believers occurred in 1958, when a NATO...
...what if reindeer could fly? Even the smallest sled or troika weighs at least 500 pounds; and "Santa Claus" could not weigh in at under 220, even in the off-season. Moreover, if Santa were to take as many as 1000 trips, he would still have to carry at least 458,000 toys with him every time he took flight. Weighing these factors against the pull of eight reindeer (even nine, counting Rudolph), we see that each animal would have to produce more than 35,000 pounds per square inch of thrust. If that is so, then these eight...
...still holding out, consider these questions. What if Santa Claus did have reindeer, and could fly? How could he possibly cover seven continents in 12 hours of darkness, and slide down 17 million chimneys? He would have to move at relativistic speeds. Rudolph's nose would be redshifted into uselessness...
Perhaps the most convincing evidence is provided by the U.S. Postal Service. Electronic tracers were put on an envelope addressed to Santa Claus. The letter did not reach the North Pole, and was, in fact followed to a dumpster in Duluth, Minn. Doubtless Santa would not choose to live in a dumpster. Especially in Duluth...
...time you face facts, people. Santa Claus, along with Rudolph and Hermie and even Yukon Cornelius, is nothing but a myth. He does not exist, so stop worrying about what kind of cookies to leave for him. It's wasted energy. Save it for the Easter Bunny...