Word: crowings
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...powerful vampire on Earth, bursts out of the ground looking like an undead Fabio. He has lightning-quick speed, superhuman strength and grins maliciously as bullets rip through his body. He promptly heads over to the motel and coldly and efficiently slaughters the entire team, the only survivors being Crow and his best buddy Montoya (Daniel Baldwin...
...about bloodsuckers. The resulting effort is John Carpenter's Vampires, a piece of joyful, over-the-top, gonzo trash film-making that delights in wallowing in its own bloodbaths. Every vampire film boasts its own interpretation of the sacred "rules" of vampirism. In Vampires, James Woods' master slayer, Jack Crow, snarls "Forget everything you've seen in the movies. It's not like vampires go around seducing everyone with cheesy, Eurotrash accents. They don't turn into bats. Crosses don't work. You want to kill one, you take a wooden stake and drive it right through...his...heart...
...Crow is the fearless, hard-boiled leader of a Vatican-sponsored vampire hunting team that patrols North America (there is another team stationed in Europe). The movie opens with Crow's crew standing outside an old, dilapidated mansion in New Mexico that Crow believes is infested with a vampire "nest." The team loads up, arming themselves with high-tech crossbows, metallic lances and machine guns. Crow, his face a weather-beaten mask of intensity, glares into the camera. The group's tag-along priest blesses them over the Holy Bible. The team then storms the mansion and the resulting melee...
...cross that has the power to give him and his troupe of bloodsuckers the ability to walk in daylight, and now he's on the verge of finding it (how it has eluded him for one week, let alone six hundred years, is anyone's guess). In the meantime, Crow and Montoya rescue a prostitute named Katrina (Sheryl Lee) who was bitten by Valeck but not killed. It will be another 48 hours until she is fully turned into a vampire, and during that time she shares a telepathic link with Valeck that will allow Crow and Montoya to track...
...into an oven. The cat, of course, escapes, to wild cheers from the audience. This scene, while not profound or even endurable, epitomizes Apt Pupil. As in almost any drama, the villain is far more interesting than the "hero," who is likely asleep while our villain is drinking Old Crow, listening to opera and amusing himself by throwing cats into ovens or something. Of course, as in any Hollywood film, the one inviolable taboo is that no matter how many humans are gruesomly murdered, an adorable pet cannot die. As in any film based on a work by Stephen King...