Word: dartboard
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What, exactly, does this record prove beyond an unimpressive attention span? Dartboard doesn’t want to sound skeptical of our fair leader, but even White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan couldn’t bring himself to provide many details on Bush’s actual service, just the dusty records thereof. “These documents show the days on which he was paid,” McClellan underwhelmingly said in a statement. “That’s what they show.” Given this half-hearted declaration, Dartboard is not quite na?...
...first-time watcher of the Super Bowl, Dartboard had never in his wildest dreams expected such a gripping last quarter. His surprise was exceeded only by the decadent halftime show, which featured such an assortment of performers as to convince any lucid observer that the population of this country is entirely contained in the 18-25 age group. But it wasn’t so much who the performers were as what they were doing that had Dartboard disbelieving his own eyes. And Dartboard doesn’t mean the famous undressing. (A much-celebrated moment that...
...didn’t take nudity to set off Dartboard’s indecency radar. The animal impulses that seemed to overcome the halftime entertainers all along were strangely familiar. Dartboard had last seen them in party-hosting dorm rooms filled with booze and pheromones. Astoundingly, viewers are meant to believe that this licentious behavior—nudity notwithstanding—is as all-American as the football it interrupts. At the very least, the FCC would have Dartboard think such a display more acceptable than saying one of George Carlin’s seven dirty words on television...
...centrists—from the DLC to candidates such as Lieberman and Kerry—tell us they know what Repulicans want: a Bush-Dean showdown in ’04. Dartboard doesn’t dispute that Republican strategists such as Karl “Darth” Rove have not been subtle in expressing their desire for Dean to win the primary. But let’s be realistic: Karl Rove is a sly devil, a crafty political animal. If he really did want the Democrats to nominate Dean, would he be so careless...
...have to pay a fee to account for the extra fuel that will be spent in order to lug our extensive library and Imelda Marcos shoe collection across the skies. But what of the unweighed excess that sits around so many Americans? Is it not unjust that Dartboard is persecuted so that the gluttonous can be left to go free...