Word: dartboard
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...somehow, Dartboard doubts that’s going to fly. Instead, the University library system should just get rid of the whole useless process. Keep the guards to check IDs and search the occasional student who sets off the CVS-style anti-shoplifting buzzers. And we should stop there. No more useless bag checks, no more wasted time. Just keep those CVS buzzers up and running to catch the occasional over-avid bookworm. After all, if they’re good enough to stop shoplifters, they’re good enough to keep the best and the brightest from pilfering...
...Dartboard has already contacted Fox News about a potential segment entitled “When Voting Goes Wrong” based on the true-life story of this Tuesday’s municipal “elections.” Thanks to a proportional representation voting system that allows voters to rank their choices, Matt DeBergalis will not receive a seat on the nine-member City Council despite getting the seventh highest amount of number one votes...
Generally, when liberals’ pet projects fail or work against them (think campaign finance reform), Dartboard is filled with much rejoicing—after all, he hails from a “red state” where the terms “stupid” and “liberal” go hand in hand. But DeBergalis isn’t liberal or conservative—he’s merely pro-student, and the “progressive” nature of Cambridge elections (a system which actually protects incumbents even more than other forms of voting...
...Dartboard wonders how in a city of 100,000, where 15,000 of those are students, there is not one city councillor (out of nine) that has the least bit of love for students. Yet, in its bizarre ability to remain anti-student despite the numbers and despite a candidate who receives more votes than two of those who will have seats on the City Council, that Cambridge is governmentally devoid of a student voice is asinine...
Last Sunday, Harvard’s perennially lighthearted undergraduates crowded around the TV for yet another Halloween episode of “The Simpsons.” Dartboard has always appreciated our campus’ special connection to that venerated, animated institution of pop culture. What seems like harmless fun on Fox every Sunday night is in fact controlled by the long, dead hand of the Harvard Lampoon, a semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization that used to occasionally publish a so-called humor magazine and now produces drug-addled sitcom writers. And for those in need...