Word: dartboard
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...Dartboard was frustrated and saddened by the permanent loss of one of the dining hall’s few redeeming features for the un-caffeinated sub-population among us. Diet Sprite is the holy compromise soda for Dartboard—it offers the opportunity for guilt-free, zero calorie consumption, an opportunity to avoid caffeine while still drinking something sweet and bubbly, and most of all, a replacement beverage for those who hate the plain, non-taste of cold filtered water...
...used to be that only two dining halls were without Diet Sprite at their taps, and Dartboard would often see people turn their Nalgenes from water to Diet Sprite, smiling as they avoided dorm room dehydration. Yet, surreptitiously, the Diet Sprite taps at Houses across campus began drying up. First came the over-syruped or under-syruped days, when Diet Sprite would spurt the taps in irregular jolts. Then small square signs covered the soda label, saying, “Out of Order.” But after a week of searching out Diet Sprite even in the netherworld...
Last week a few unidentified Arizona GED hopefuls had the brightest idea. For preparation, they stole a filing cabinet containing three versions of the test. Dartboard assumes the scheme involved much planning to move the test-stuffed filing cabinet while avoiding suspicious passers-by. The scheme probably also involved many hand-trucks, crow-bars and sledge-hammers, among other heavy tools, to remove, secure and transport said failing cabinet...
Instead, once officials became aware of the theft, they decided to suspend testing in Arizona for up to 30 days. Now scores (Dartboard loves puns!) of GED takers from the Grand Canyon state must wait until the test is re-administered, delaying their test results and job placements. At least the delay gives the conspirators more time to study...
...alone, forcing Wall Street and its analysts to create their own value as seers by the quality of advice they give out - or risk the collapse of the whole fortune-telling industry. (There is some evidence that Wall Street pros earn their money - in the Wall Street Journal's "Dartboard" feature, which announced its retirement last month after 14 years pitting dart-chucking staffers against investment advisers, the dartboard won only 55 of 142 contests.) Another way might be simply to abolish the "buy," "hold" and "sell" ratings, letting analysts stick to analyzing. Instead they're doing their regulatory thing...