Word: downloaders
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...Macintosh, you have permission to get excited. Apple starts selling the $399 iPod this week. It plugs into any Mac with FireWire--which these days is all of them. FireWire is such a blazingly fast and useful connection, it can download a hundred songs a minute and recharge the iPod at the same time. Even better, iPod is smart enough to know when you have put new MP3 files on your Mac--from your CDs or from the Internet--and upload them automatically...
...future, when the panacea for venereal disease is finally discovered, a new form of highly contagious and often unexpungeable affliction will excite the public’s fear: the download. Symptoms: icon blemishes, commonly found in the bottom right corner of the screen; a geologically protracted start-up delay; and the PC deathknell, “Fatal error has occurred. You will lose any unsaved information because you just had to download that pirated Backgammon software. Nice going, chump...
...untrammeled roominess; when windows and menus sprang from her toolbars like a great splash in a clear lake; when your desktop sat empty and content, like a mid-day showing of Serendipity. What is it, then, that drives us to engage in unprotected interface with these ill-intentioned download sites? Certainly this irresponsible behavior is not a means to some kind of useful end; after you initially polluted your computer with Free Cell or College Jeopardy, how many times did you actually play it? Methinks not enough to justify the lightning bolt that blazes in your icon tray every time...
What’s most pernicious about these “free” downloads is their tacit promises of protection. Take the RealPlayer shareware, a media streaming program so offensively retrograde that a million monkeys with a million keyboards with a million 1’s and 0’s could never devise it. During one illicit encounter with the RealPlayer.exe file brought on by a misbegotten attempt to watch “Bootylicious: In concert,” I responsibly unchecked all the boxes that would have signed me up for daily newsletters, news updates, update letters...
...sanctity of my hard drive are inconsequential compared to the residual effects of Snood. It endures on the toolbar no matter how many trips one makes to the Recycling Bin. So to the young woman who has caused this scourge, look what I have been reduced to! And to downloaders everywhere who regret that moment of e-donism; to the promiscuous Snooders and College Jeopardy champions who hear my cry and want to send the blinking icons right back to the people who spawned them; come to the computer lab for an LED-light vigil, for a show of solid...