Word: elderly
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Those issues are complex, and families differ in countless ways. Yet elder-care specialists see common patterns emerge among siblings as the death of a parent looms. One such dynamic is a renewed competition for their parents' love and favor. "You become needy children again, not getting enough of the goods," says Victoria Hilkevitch Bedford, a professor of psychology at the University of Indianapolis...
...parental hurts of your childhood are history. Fat chance. Simmering resentment between siblings has a nasty way of re-erupting as boomers confront the reality of caring for aging parents. "We have an unexpressed wish that our parents will someday acknowledge the injustices done us," notes University of Pittsburgh elder-law professor Larry Frolik. "Someday Mom will understand that I'm as smart as my rich older brother or will finally admit, 'Honey, your husband's really a swell...
...intense can that competition become? Deborah--not her real name--a Minneapolis, Minn., health-care aide who preferred not to be identified to protect family members' feelings, had always been favored over her elder sister, she says, as the daughter who behaved best. When her parents became ill, she sold her house and moved with her husband and their kids into Mom and Dad's home to care for them. As Mom's dementia worsened, she often refused to take her pills. When Deborah insisted, Mom whined, "Deborah's being mean to me." No one in the family took...
During their mother's last hospitalization, Deborah was tending to her acutely ill father, so her elder sister became the hospital's main family contact. When a nurse called her sister at 2 a.m. to say their mother was fading fast, Deborah's sister did nothing. Deborah had hoped to be with her mother at the end, perhaps to say a few last words. "My sister took that chance away from me," Deborah says, "and because of her, my mother died alone. I will never forgive her for that...
...even possible for sisters and brothers to overcome ancient grievances as they band together for their parents' sake. As a child, psychologist Bedford, for example, often fought with her twin, Barbara, and her elder sister Margie. In adulthood, the three women harbored grudges and rarely saw one another. But in 1985, after Margie had a serious accident, her siblings teamed up to tend to her through months of rehab. The three of them talked through their childhood conflicts. Margie was their father's favorite, Barbara was their mother's, and Victoria felt like a neglected middle child. The women acknowledged...