Word: fiorentinos
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...impregnate a woman and bring their offspring home for breeding purposes. To accomplish the task, he has been equipped with an artificial metal penis, which hums audibly when its interest is, shall we say, aroused. Why does it do that? Because "it doesn't know the words," snaps Linda Fiorentino, playing a woman immune to Harold's charms...
...pokes at Catholic doctrine--that God is a woman (Alanis Morissette), that the last descendant of Jesus (Linda Fiorentino) works in an abortion clinic, that there was a 13th Apostle who was black (Chris Rock)--Dogma is a tortured testament from a true believer. In an age when not only belief in God but belief itself brings a smirk to hip, jaded faces, this is a film out of time, the most devout movie in a modern setting since Robert Bresson's Diary of a Country Priest (1951), and a worthy successor to The Last Temptation of Christ, Martin Scorsese...
Every good Bible story needs a heavenly visitation. Bethany (Fiorentino) gets hers from the angel Metatron (Alan Rickman), who tells her she is Jesus' distant descendant and it is her destiny to save the world. Two fallen angels, Loki (Matt Damon) and Bartleby (Affleck), have found a doctrinal loophole that will allow them to return to Heaven by walking through a parish door in New Jersey. "It will undo the world," Bethany is told--unless she can stop the renegades from defying...
...movie follows Bethany (Linda Fiorentino), an abortion clinic employee on the brink of a crisis of faith, who is unknowingly the great, great, great, etc. grand-niece of Jesus Christ. She is enlisted by a seraph named Metatron (a whiny Alan Rickman) to thwart two banished angels from getting to a church in New Jersey. These winged renegades, Loki (Matt Damon) and Bartelby (Ben Affleck), have found a loophole in Catholic doctrine which could cleanse them of their sins and allow them to re-enter heaven, negating the truth that God is infallible and consequently unmaking existence. These two Jersey...
...Mewes) and Silent Bob (Smith himself) as prophets, Bethany gets plenty of attention. This holy brigade isn't exactly brimming with talented actors; Rock, though funny, regurgitates instead of speaks his lines, and Salma's stripping muse seems superfluous until you remember that Smith's core audience is teenagers. Fiorentino is the only actor among her heavenly posse, and she handles her role as the skeptical "last Scion" in a way that puts the comic relief's performances to shame. What excuses some of the ill-delivered lines and questionable characters is the enthusiasm you can feel the performers have...