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...Rowling told Harry Potter readers that their beloved Hogwarts Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, is gay. In honor of the Headmaster’s outing, FM lists fifteen other secrets Harry Potter and co. might be hiding. 1. Hagrid has a fear of heights. 2. Voldemort is Harry’s cousin, twice removed. And you thought your family was screwed up. 3. Neville’s toad is more than just a pet… 4. And Draco Malfoy still sleeps with a teddy bear. 5. McGonagall always had a thing for Dumbledore. Guess that’s never going...
Apologies to “Mean Girls,” but Halloween is much more than an excuse for girls to get away with dressing super-trashy (hi Regina!). For those unable to recognize the inherent purity of the holiday, FM has compiled a list of five places to get pumpkins, squash, and other traditional Halloween paraphernalia. Mahoney’s Garden Center 449 Western Ave., Brighton Pros: A quick (13-minute) bus ride results in a good selection of traditional, old-school pumpkins. Squash, gourds, bales of straw, and cornstalks provide a well-rounded supply of room decorations. Cons...
...does everyone need to lock their doors and hide under as-of-yet uninfected blankets? Not quite yet. According to Dr. Soheyla Gharib, Chief of Medicine at UHS, a grand total of 3 students were diagnosed as of the 13th. For the panic-stricken feeling ghost-itches everywhere, FM introduces the Scabies Watch, a weekly warning of exactly how worried you need to be. Current Alert Level: Blue Red (Severe): Feeling itchy? You probably have scabies right now. Burn all clothes and sheets immediately, including your roommate’s—he won’t mind, considering you?...
...fetish...or hopefully lack thereof. Your best pick-up line: Not mine, but...“Do you have a keg in your pants? Because I wanna tap that ass.” Best or worst lie you’ve ever told: I love being voluntarily judged by FM readers. Something you’ve always wanted to tell someone: Bitch please, I’m da macaroni wit da cheese. Favorite childhood toy: HELLO KITTY. Sexiest physical trait: My fake blue (or green, or gray, or violet) eyes. Favorite part about Harvard: Producing Identities, the fashion show...
...have to build up momentum, but we’re hoping to have at least two more games this year,” Levin-Gesundheit says. So, next time you’re looking for a good way to put off that pesky problem set, FM suggests looking out for the opportunity to embrace Jewish tradition by nailing your peers with balls...