Word: foams
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...their nights). The eleven cases of skin irritation reported to Harvard University Health Services (the only documented ones out of all 550 guests) were diagnosed as allergies or chafing, not communicable diseases. Moreover, the University Department of Environmental Health and Safety has confirmed, after taking samples, that our foam was Zestfully® clean and free of pathogens...
...when the foam of Mather Lather causes rashes to develop, it makes sense that the world should be captivated. The Associated Press recently compiled a report on the scandal of Mather Lather, which was distributed to media throughout the world. This story made its way to the Boston Globe, ABC, and, apparently, Atlanta radio. A mere rash, because it happened at Harvard, became newsworthy...
...beginning of this year: “Anything you do or say while at Harvard is interesting simply because of where it takes place.” (She probably also told me not to go to Mather Lather, but for some reason that bit of advice, unlike the foam against which it presciently warned, did not stick). Whether it is breaking out in rashes or challenging female intelligence, Harvard possesses a mysterious, newsworthy allure. The skin of Harvard students reacts to foam just like the skin of any other individual. Yet, for some reason, we react in a particularly fascinating...
Matherites consistently do their best to put on a raucous bash which has been historically riddled with controversy. Two years ago they ran out of foam. Last year they came under fire for advertising to pre-frosh females. But this year they really outdid themselves, landing an Associated Press article which included the quote, “I am going to scratch myself until I bleed to death if this continues another day.” Mather, you are full of geniuses. Dirty, yes, but sharp...
...course, the big question is whether the outbreak of rashes was due to the foam at the party or to activities undertaken after everyone blacked out. A quick survey of Fifteen Minutes’ party report confirmed our suspicions, as every picture featured incestuous, Mather-like debauchery that could only reasonably culminate with the transfer of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). And where did those STD’s come from? That’s right. They came from Matherites...