Word: gum
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...flashbacks and the slippery slope to gloss. It takes a grown-up gel to shine and soothe. One silky salve, Kiehl's #1 Lip Balm, would never be caught at the end of a chain. But where would American lips be without a vapo-rub-down or bubble-gum flavored-wax? Softer, lighter, healthier. Balm is best when it comes from Kiehl...
...what a thought-provoking ode to bubble-gum history! What arms, what legs! But one thing still bothers...
Balkin's experiments will figure out whether the gum is a good way to keep soldiers up while they are in battle. Amurol suspects its gum might taste good enough for guys who eat powdered coffee straight from the packet. The Amurol marketers are not overly ambitious people...
...next few months, Balkin's assistants will pay people to stay up until 4 a.m. Then they're going to give them wads of gum and keep them up 14 hours more, testing their alertness by having them push a button as fast as they can when a signal goes off. The subjects will do this until they go mad and beat one another in a way that's uncoordinated enough to entertain the scientists. At least that's how I would run the experiment...
...this is just a small part of the research that needs to be done. There are things I want to know, like will some annoying guy at nice restaurants with hidden cameras try to switch the good gum with Folgers caffeinated gum? Do you need decaffeinated peanut butter to get caffeinated gum out of your hair? Can I save money by asking women out for gum? We've got work to do, people. Social Security can wait...