Word: hatful
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Last Tuesday, the U.S. Army chief of staff announced that all troops will soon don black berets, replacing the current green hat which folds flat and is often termed an "envelope" cap. The apparel overhaul comes in response to declining recruit numbers and withering morale within the Army. Not only is this change ineffective and impractical, but also insane. They've looked for a solution and come up with berets. I'm still hoping that they haven't realized what berets actually look like...
Army officials claim that the berets make troops look sleeker and more nimble. I thought that was why God invented leather pants. It seems rather illogical to think that a circular, floppy hat is more streamlined than a linear, compact one. When Americans see berets, do they think "lean and agile" or do they think "French and cigarette-smoking?" Few men and women join the Army to live out their fashion dreams. The proper image the Army ought to convey is one of strength and efficiency, two values the current hat adequately supports...
...Seuss is worth 1/2 point, Tolstoy 130 points, and students can redeem points for everything from a pencil (10 points) to a trip to an Atlanta Braves game (150 points). And if you think the tests are giveaways, guess who flunked The Cat in the Hat test last week, flubbing 3 out of 5. Like you would have remembered if it was a A) windy, B) sunny, C) snowy...
...test my new digital pals, I took them downtown for an urban quadrathlon: shop, eat, drink, movie. First up, an early autumn chill is hard upon us, and for reasons that should be obvious from my photo, I need a hat. I whipped out my Palm and tapped my way through CitySync's directories--Shopping, SoHo, Clothing & Accessories--and came up with a list of eight stores. Half an hour later, my head was winterized. What do you know? It worked...
...54th minute, sophomore Orly Ripmaster served a beautifully arching ball from the right sideline, which Yenne redirected past the unprepared Yale goalie for the hat trick...