Word: hosted
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Dates: during 2000-2009
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...MARIAH CAREY to host America's Got Talent...
...reasons I accept but will never fully understand, hundreds of millions of people would rather be entertained by the Oscars than by this column. So I felt vindicated when I got an e-mail three weeks ago from John Palermo, the producing partner of this year's host, Hugh Jackman, saying he liked my work and wanted me to write for the Academy Awards. I wasn't exactly sure how the Academy expected me to craft an opening in which Jackman quickly segued into talking about me and my sophomoric sexual obsessions, but I was up for the challenge...
Since this was clearly the biggest, most important comedy job I'd ever get, I expected the Academy to send an official package of Oscar history, tips from past writers and a truckload of money. Instead, I got just some grainy DVDs of Jackman hosting the Tony Awards. I was starting to wonder if I was really hired by the Oscars when I found out I wasn't. It turns out the Academy hires pros like Bruce Vilanch for the presenter banter but lets the host pick his own team. This makes sense when the host is a comedian with...
...tell any jokes and should instead open with a big musical number that references the recession. But every good concept we had we immediately killed because it reminded us of Billy Crystal. You would think that would be a good thing, since Crystal was the most beloved Oscar host ever and got the job eight times. But comedy writers are far more interested in impressing other comedy writers than in pleasing an audience. This is why most comedy sucks. If we thought we could have gotten away with an opening number that made fun of genocide, we would have. Instead...
...days later, the opening number was complete. It's not bad, and when Jackman sings it, it's great. Because while we weren't smart enough to write great jokes, we were smart enough to figure out that Oscar audiences don't remember jokes. They remember whether the host set the celebratory mood, as Crystal did. Our job was to get out of the way of Jackman's charm, and if that meant ordering room service and letting the other writers do all the actual lyric-writing, then I was a fine hire. All the good jokes...