Word: howards
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Dates: during 1990-1999
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...have a couple we idealize. For some it's Burns and Allen, for others it's Tracy and Hepburn, and for yet others it's Siegfried and Roy. For me it was Howard and Alison Stern. I became infatuated with their marriage in sixth grade, listening to Stern's local radio show after school. Here was a guy who was married but getting away with spanking strippers. As an 11-year-old I didn't know much about marriage, but if it included spanking strippers, I was ready to take my vows...
...than my parents'--since I listened to him for four hours a day and really couldn't take more than about seven minutes of my parents. This may be because they rarely mentioned spanking, which, according to Dr. Spock, was actually a good thing. I was so enthralled with Howard, I even went with my father to see him perform at a New Jersey nightclub called Club Bene. With parenting like that, you can understand why I turned to the Sterns as role models...
...Through Howard, I had learned not only about fidelity but also that the key to a stable, long-term relationship is to publish the personal details of your life while simultaneously using your job as an excuse to meet loose women. So when the Sterns announced that they were separating after 21 years of marriage, my entire relationship philosophy was shaken. I had blindly assumed that just because it was working for an immature, oversexed Jewish man with bad hair, it would work for someone like me too. But now I had to question that. You see, sometimes my girlfriend...
...that Alison has decided to leave Howard, I'm starting to think that maybe all this public self-revelation, while promoting honesty and openness, isn't such a good game plan for a relationship. This became clearer as I realized most couples don't leave the Jerry Springer Show with a lot of issue resolution...
...want to be a pie guy. On Monday, when asked if he's going to date strippers, Howard, who had promised to have sex with every floozy he ever met the moment his wife died, said, "Obviously, I'm not the type who goes out with bimbos." On Wednesday, he didn't show up for work. Spanking, it seems, is less fun when temptation is replaced by reality...