Word: ketchup
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...yesterday morning, Harvard workers arrived at the docks, equipped with essentials for the month-long trip--including 400 lbs. of chicken legs, 700 lbs. of peeled tomatoes, 500 lbs. of ketchup, 100 lbs. of onions, 100 lbs. of cabbage and a bunch of Harvard hats...
...April-May issue, a dozen kids visited 24 Burger Kings, Hardee's, McDonald's and Wendy's to order meals and thereby investigate recycling in the fast-food industry. With their food, they reported, came a mound of wasteful packaging, scores of napkins and 55 packets of ketchup. Of all outlets only one had recycling bins...
Would Americans prefer ketchup to be thicker? If the majority say yes, the FDA's ketchup standards will be adjusted to mandate a thicker consistency for the condiment. Cries of thanks will no doubt be heard across the nation...
...PROPOSED KETCHUP reform, however, would have some important and beneficial results. The Heinz Corporation would have to change its famous "thicker ketchup" commercial, creating new jobs for needy advertising executives. Horror movies would become gorier--a little of that new ketchup goes a long way. And Harvard Dining Services's tomato sauce--which, of course, is just cheap ketchup with oregano--would become more filling and nutritious...
Paranoid friends of mine fear the government's sudden interest in ketchup has a sinister undertone. When the U.S. sets about exporting democracy and capitalism to troubled Eastern European and Third World countries, McDonald's restaurants are usually the first Western institutions established. Are we planning on choking hostile foreign leaders with our special "thicker" ketchup...