Word: loretta
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Mary hardly has her breath back before her neighbor Loretta, an aspiring country singer and child bride of the bald but virile Charlie, drops by to report a mass murder. "The Lombardis, their three kids, two goats and eight chickens." An astonished Mary says, "What kind of madman would kill two goats and eight chickens...
...phone rings. It is the police, who have arrested Mary's Grandpa Larkin as "the Fernwood Flasher." A shocked Mary says, "I can't talk now; I'm on the phone." Meanwhile, Tom is at work being regaled by Charlie with the song that his Loretta wrote about mass murder -from the murderer's point of view. "That's not a subject for singing," says Tom. "Course it is," replies Charlie. "Country and western is all about real things like murder, amputations, faucets dripping in the night . . ." Then he breaks into...
...tree. Then they get right down to business and sacrifice a victim. This gives the boys across the ravine-Fonda and Gates-a mighty eyeful and a good scare. They climb back aboard their $36,000 motor home and hightail it out of there, accompanied by their anxious spouses (Loretta Swit and Lara Parker) and a nervous dog (Ginger) and pursued by the entire coven...
...tried to see all the thousands of Instamatic prints and the signed record albums on the dark walls: Loretta Lynn, Minnie Pearl, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins all had bits and scraps of their fame tacked on the walls. As, Tootsie was ushering us out the door into the unrelenting rain, stung by forks of lightning which left a sulfurous taste in the fingers-frozen night air, we asked where we could find some good music...
This blunt piece of birth control information is provided by Loretta Lynn, 38, in her latest single The Pill. Many major country-and-western stations want no part of it, however, and are simply not playing the disc. Lynn, one of the top C&W singers in the country, protests: "It isn't as dirty as some of my other songs. I wrote one the other day that is so dirty I have to close my eyes when I sing it." Moreover, she wholeheartedly endorses The Pill. Married at 13, she says, "I had four kids before...