Word: masks
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...disaster. The only sin of the noble DiCaprio hero in Romeo+ Juliet and Titanic is to be caught in the wrong place with the girl he loves. Has any teen idol played so many characters who end up dead? (DiCaprio's double role in The Man in the Iron Mask doesn't suit our thesis--he is pampered by four father figures and gives a soggy performance--so we'll ignore...
...slow motion--from the hostess dressed in ill-fitting gold, sequined spandex (my co-editor points out that no one should bare their shoulders at a religious event) to the millionaire's family and friends rating the various girls' swimwear to the poor attempts by the contestants to mask the importance of money in their decision to appear on the show (such a tragedy--to become so rich, they have to be so cheap...
Finally, it's time for Mankind--an ugly, animal-like wrestler, whose face hides behind a leather mask. Almost neolithic, he proves that instinct is more important than intelligence. During the fight with his former best friend Al Snow, Mankind is reluctant. At one point, when he's about to perform his most effective and deadly move--where he pulls a dirty sock puppet out of his pants and crams it down his victim's throat--Mankind hesitates. He decides against it, tucking Mr. Socko (the filthy stocking's official name) back down into his crotch. Like some stupid animal...
...name is Deirdre Mask and I'm from North Carolina, and I wanted to request 98 degrees because I think that they are sooooooo hot!!!" I cheer. The girls cheer. I'm finished. Watching the video, they look hotter than ever. So many beautiful people. Sigh. Soman is up shortly after. He requests Christina, and comments on her utter "fineness." Cheers. Squeals. Still 40 minutes...
...communiqués range from the polite to the weird, the innocent to the disturbed. And, almost always the writer is male. Most of the letters seem harmless enough, but the personal descriptions do nothing to mask the perverted professions of love. "I'd like to correspond and find out what interesting stories you have to tell about your adventures," wrote Brian, a 22 year-old UMass-Amherst student and a self-described...