Word: matthiessen
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...loads of lentils and rice and books up snow-choked passes, wearing wool rags at best, and sneakers. Yet, they rarely express their pain or discomfort, though they often stall and procrastinate. They are living proof that Buddhism, at least for Buddhists--which the porters are--works. And since Matthiessen enters their world, it can work for him, too--up to a point...
...Matthiessen reveals a lot in The Snow Leopard. Thoughts of his second wife, who died of cancer, linger on. She joined him late in the lifelong search that took him throughout the world and into the realm of hallucinogenic drugs. Together they tried everything, enjoying the experiences but never satisfying themselves. Not until Debra discovered Buddhism did they pause long enought to consider it, above their other choices, the answer. And though it did't solve all their problems--marital or emotional-- it brought some amount of order, and what Matthiessen believes is peace and understanding...
What stands out more than their conversion, though, is the confusion that preceded it. Only in retrospect can he call it confusion. Whatever Matthiessen was doing at any given time made as much sense to him then and held as much meaning as Buddhism holds for him now. Buddhism works differently, but really is no different than anything else he has tried. He hasn't really changed...
Even though Matthiessen believes that the answer to being his raison d'etre, is locked up within himself, at his core. He has to search to find that inner self, to "come home." The expedition is a search, his meditations are a search, even his writing a book is a search. None of the three take place in the present. The expedition was planned and executed. It didn't just emerge; it wasn't just there. Nor is meditation anything more than an active pursuit of self-knowledge, while writing is looking backwards. Putting pen to paper involves memory...
Whether or not Matthiessen realizes he is caught in this bind of his own making is unclear. He does, however, know that though he walked away from Crystal mountain a somewhat changed person he didn't walk away a transformed man, as he set out to do. He knows that the snow leopard confounded...