Word: metallism
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...refuses to catch fire, and it might as well be medicated. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's an Altoid. The origin of the unassuming peppermints' curious strength has baffled consumers for almost two centuries. Small, round and chalky, they threaten to burst from their Britishly metal tins. Set us free, their vaguely hospitalic aroma commands. Pop us in. Should you respond to their bidding, keep this in mind: the Altoid is a deadly, deadly breath freshener. Though it may leave neophytes running for water, however, the Altoid remains the mature alternative to chewing cud or making...
...actually received a broken applause, but our act was quickly topped by two punks, belting out the apparently new heavy-metal remake of George Michael's "Faith." Their attempt at starting a mosh pit was thwarted by the comatose crowd's lack of enthusiasm. Kelley and Danielle, our faithful karaoke fans, channeled their energy toward the skee-ball alleys. After what seemed like an hour and a year's tuition's worth of tokens, they returned, exhilarated and carrying their winnings: a fluorescent orange rope-bracelet and a holographic pencil. All in all, a successful night's work...
...courthouse at Jasper had never seen anything like it before. There, just inside the massive French doors on the 110-year-old yellow stucco building, were an X-ray machine and a metal detector to screen everyone entering the building. But, of course, the little logging town hasn't been quite the same since June 7, 1998, when a black man was chained to the back of a pickup and dragged three miles to his death, pieces of him, including his head, falling by the wayside. Now the first of three white men accused of the crime...
...turns out that most people--despite the prospect of playing with those pointy metal spears that, for reasons I can't understand, they allow prisoners to use--aren't too psyched on this picking-up-trash part. That's why the Adopt-a-Highway Litter Removal Service of America lets you pay them to do the charity work for you. In return, your corporation gets to put up a sign saying you like highways more than Somali orphans...
...pedal to the metal, Martha -- CP has been cooped up all winter, springtime is just around the corner and we're hitting the open road. And with gasoline cheaper than water at the local 7-Eleven, it's time to roll down those highways jammed with working-class heroes in one of the big boys, like Ford's new giga...