Word: moms
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...sure that my mother would have preferred it, but I’m glad that you did, because that’s how the game ought to work. That’s also how the world works, right? So now I’m ready for it. Okay, Mom...
...good news and bad news, graduates. Remember back in 1991, when you were about 4 years old and your parents were driving you from Montessori to tot-aerobics class? Mozart was on the car stereo, stimulating your little brain. And Mom explained that your future was all laid out. Your strong preschool record had placed you into a grade-school gifted-and-talented program, which, with hard work, would lead to the Advanced Placement curriculum in high school. That--plus captaincy of the lacrosse team, strong test scores and a record of eco-conscious community activism--would lead to college...
...good news is, Mom was mostly right. Here you are! The bad news is, we're a little short on jobs. [Pause for nervous chuckle.] How short? We're down about 6 million since the bubble popped. When half a million new jobless claims are filed in a single month, we call it an "improvement." And forget about older folks making room for you by retiring, because they can't afford to anymore...
...housing-busted Sherman Oaks, Calif., where five families compete in a home-renovation contest to win the titular sum. One family sank everything into a home it bought a year and a half ago, which has since lost $150,000 in value. A single mom faces foreclosure. A laid-off father of two says, "Unless we win this, we could be the next for SALE sign on this block." (See the top 10 TV series...
...then watch yourself on cops. Meta. 11. Walk around to your classes all day wearing a Batman suit. When asked why you are wearing it, simply respond by saying, “I’m doing thesis research.” 12. When your friend’s mom comes for graduation, always gel your hair around her and insist on referring to her as Madame and bring her flowers and make vague comments to your friend about turning over a new leaf and buttsex. 13. Use, just once, a quotation from Thomas Jefferson to indignantly justify yourself...