Word: network
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...different. Shows come on the air and are canceled two weeks later, or moved strategically to different nights of the week. Sometimes they start at 9:30 p.m. and end at 10 p.m., unless the network brass decide to make them start at 9:28 p.m. and end at 10:01 p.m. And then there's year-round programming. Today at City Center in Manhattan, Fox announced not one schedule, but three: One that starts in June, one that starts in November, and another for later in the winter. You need a TiVo to keep all this straight. A TiVo...
...apparently, and it's ironic since this is also the network that gave us "Forever Eden," "The Littlest Groom," and other shows that would give a surfeit of pleasure to the stupid, if only they could find them. In total, it announced 17 new shows, not counting one - the animated sitcom "Family Guy" - which the network canceled twice before and has un-canceled again. (New episodes return in summer 2005.) A list follows, but be warned: You can either read this list, or you can actually watch TV. There is not enough time in one life to do both...
...other hand, is my new favorite network, because in its upfront at Madison Square Garden it announced just four new shows. Will they be good? Will they be bad? Who cares? At least I can understand their schedule without a slide rule...
...then laid into NBC's longstanding claim to be the "quality" network, grossing out the advertisers with a reel of clips of contestants eating offal and vomiting on "Fear Factor." "Product placement, anyone?" Moonves asked. A few minutes later, they played a trailer for the new Jason Alexander sitcom "Listen Up" - he plays a sports columnist - whose big punch line involved Alexander spitting up milk into a glass, twice. CBS: home of classy effluvia...
...Besides "CSI: NY," the network's new dramas are "Clubhouse," a sentimental-looking coming-of-age story about a 16-year-old boy who lands a job as batboy for the pinstripe-wearing "New York Empires" (the Yankees, for some reason, didn't want the weekly plug); and "dr. vegas" - e.e. cummings-esque capitalization intended - starring Rob Lowe as a casino doctor who handles a bizarre stream of cases. The Las Vegas tourist board must love the premise ("Come to Vegas and get a colorful injury!"), though, then again, "CSI" didn't hurt them ("Come to Vegas...