Word: oprah
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This isn't the first time Oprah has teased us. Sure, last week Oprah Winfrey announced that she's going to stop hosting her talk show in 2006, but she says this every so often, like the astronomers do about an asteroid heading toward the earth. But people actually read the articles about Oprah...
...hopeful each time, because for nearly two decades Oprah has brought us nothing but pain and heartache. Oprah is the opiate of the female masses, teaching them to build self-esteem by confronting the past and setting goals instead of feeling good the old-fashioned way: by having casual sex. She encourages women to look inside and "find their passion" without once entertaining the possibility that this passion might be fed with lots of sleeping around. Worse yet, she sets all these ridiculous expectations about reading once a month...
...whole idea of talking openly and sharing your feelings is antithetical to the good old-time values of emotional repression on which this country was founded. Plus, Oprah is way too self-satisfied with the common sense she hands out. The current issue of O magazine has an article on coping that suggests that you "make prioritizing a priority." There's also an awful lot of talk about angels. The only angels men want to see are in Victoria's Secret ads. And her solution to everything is telling you to tack a note to your mirror. Tacking a note...
...post-Oprah world will not offer a succession that simple. The reality is that the next daytime guru is very likely to be even more coddling and touchy-feely than Oprah herself. Remember when Phil Donahue seemed really threatening to masculinity? Before that Merv Griffin seemed like a wimp. Daytime talk-show hosts follow some reverse Darwinian law whereby they get less and less threatening every generation. The next daytime guru is going to be either Elmo or Tinky Winky...
...became a leader of the human-potential movement. In those days, he wanted nothing more than to share his ideas about how baby boomers could enjoy a long and healthy life. The books in which he did so became best sellers, and soon he was being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and conferring with world leaders...