Word: pageanteers
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Dates: during 1990-1999
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...Pageant in Indianapolis, July...
...world, whose conquests included 40 professional boxers and countless women. She was (we now suppose) the last innocent child in America, an 18-year-old Sunday School teacher fresh from high school graduation in a tiny Rhode Island town. When Desiree Washington met Mike Tyson at a beauty pageant last July, she saw not the pug and thug of tabloid legend but a young man wearing a TOGETHER WITH CHRIST button who was praying with Jesse Jackson. Tyson, it appears, saw a late-night snack...
...played with ooze and flair by Tom Hughes) is trying to cheat a nice old lady named Isadora Jarr (Jeremy Nye) out of her casino, the Tropicana Pure Premium. Jarr needs a million bucks to escape bankruptcy. Coincidentally, Grump's Chicken McNugget Casino is hosting the Miss Fortune Beauty Pageant--first prize, $1,000,000! Coincidentally, the Tropicana's headline trio of tonsorially challenged sisters--Mona Lott (Mark O'Keefe in a big red wig), Liza Lott (Mike McNeal in a big black wig) and Cara Lott (Peter Ferren in a big blonde wig)--have entered the pageant! Imagine that...
...least the reasonable facsimile thereof--thickens. Grump is backing his own babe, Delia Cards (Aaron Zelman), the thoroughly corrupt golddigger with whom he sings "It's Good to Be Evil." (Sample lyrics: "Being kind is kinda stupid/ Being just is just as dumb.") So Grump tries to blackmail the pageant's judges: Wyatt Stinksinhere (a Yosemite Sam parody played by Michael Rosenbaum), Austin Tation (a Don King parody played by Todd Kessler) and Ali Caneet (a Muhammad Ali parody played by Skip Sneeringer...
Capping off the cast are the pageant's cohosts, the Elvisesque Alberto V. O'Five (John Berman) and the Sally Jessy Raphaelesque Jeannie Ality (Bart St. Clair). There are no Sally Jessy Raphaelesque characters in Hamlet...