Word: pageanteers
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...unique feature of the party in recent years has been the mini-pageant of movie skits in which famous actors and industry titans get up on a miniature stage in cheesy costumes to act out humorous little vignettes from the year's Best Picture nominees. The scripts are usually thin jokes, read from pages thrust into their hands as they go on stage. Many of the cracks are insider gags tailored for the glittering crowd. What it most resembles is the living room shows that six-year-olds put on for their parents and relatives. The real quality...
...they did a good job. Unfortunately, probably too good. The greedy, bloviating speeches may be the worst part of the ceremony, but they're also the best. If the Oscars are not a grand pageant of celebrity entitlement and hubris, then they are nothing. What you take away from the Oscars is not how early you went to bed that year: it's the hysterical Angelina Jolie moments, the irritating passive-aggressives saying, "Turn that clock off, you're making me nervous!" The latter comment came from the long-winded Roberts, who began "I have a television...
...experience was not quite as glamorous as I had hoped. Last Friday's Donald Trump-run pageant took place in Gary, Ind., which meant it was short on the sophistication of Atlantic City and long on a really disturbing smell. Even worse, a new rule, designed to cut down on breast-augmentation surgery, allowed padding in the bikinis and dresses. It also turned out that I had been invited to judge the preliminaries, which meant that instead of sitting with Karen Duffy, Daniel Baldwin and Ernie (the black Ghostbuster) Hudson at Friday's live telecast of the finals, I spent...
...could be so bored talking to attractive women whose only goal was to impress me. I was mildly impressed by the fact that Miss Vermont had written several books, including True Beauty: A Sunny Face Means a Happy Heart, Betsy the Cow Goes to the Vermont State Beauty Pageant and What's All the Noise About Boys? I also marveled at the ingenuity of the contestants who, not allowed to go to a gym at night, tried to lose pounds by running up and down their hotel hallway. And I also discovered a uniformity in idol worship: when asked...
Toward the end of this portion, one contestant approached the panel and whispered, "Give me a low score. I don't want to be Miss USA. These people are all phonies." She said that her own bio was entirely fabricated, and that she couldn't quit the pageant because her sponsors would be angry. She was the only contestant I wanted to win, and even though I knew it would hurt her, I couldn't help giving...