Word: panels
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...have never determined whether anyone would live or die, which I consider a gaping hole in my résumé. So when I heard a rumor that the government was creating a death panel to determine which sick people get to receive medical care, I knew...
...obvious choice for any panel that doesn't involve amateur performers and a large gong. But you need me on your death panel precisely because, unlike politicians and doctors, I can admit that we already have death panels; they just prefer to go by the name insurance companies. Some people get rejected by the death panels because of pre-existing conditions, lifetime-spending caps or drug co-payments they can't afford. Others die because they are freelancers and don't have insurance, so they don't go to doctors. Others might not get the coverage they need because they...
Instead of sorting through stacks of forms, I'll set my death panel behind huge wooden desks in a big empty room like the audition scene in Flashdance. I know this will make it hard for the sickest people to attend, and that will make my first cut much easier. I will green-light medical intervention on four criteria: cost, likelihood of success, years of life saved and a person's awesomeness. For example, we'd all shell out to keep Justin Timberlake going for another 50 years, but we probably wouldn't kick in much to spot Michael Vick...
Though I do want to stick with the name death panel, we will handle all forms of medicine, including plastic surgery. Michelle Pfeiffer and Demi Moore, yes; Joan Rivers, no. And while there will be a lot fewer MRIs covered, hair-waxing will be free. We will be able to afford that because much of the cost of health care will be offset by selling the television rights to our panel. If ratings lag, I am fully prepared to appoint Paula Abdul, although I'm aware that this might raise our prescription-drug costs. (See pictures of facial yoga...
...main challenge in setting up the panel will be getting the public to accept that there's a limited amount of health care to ration. To figure out my marketing plan, I called an Eskimo, since everyone thinks Eskimo are adorable despite the fact that they sent old people out to sea on ice floes. If we tried that instead of sending them to Florida, people would hate the Jews even more...