Word: parently
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...Studies show that the height of death anxiety occurs in people's 40s and 50s," notes Karen Fingerman, a gerontologist at Penn State. "When you begin to calculate how many years you have left, it makes your parents' aging even more evident." In a study she conducted of 2,000 middle-aged daughters and healthy, aging mothers, she found that the daughters were more worried than necessary, often to the annoyance of their mothers. To help their parents, Fingerman urges, "kids need to confront their own emotions. Recognize that you're not just worried about your parent; you're worried...
Even family members who live farther away from a parent can check in frequently. "Just a twice-weekly contact by phone or even e-mail can make a huge difference," says Margo Hamilton of Curtailing Abuses Related to the Elderly, in Riverside County, Calif. She has seen cases of caretakers of the elderly cheating them financially and even abusing them physically. Abusers succeed, she says, when they can isolate the parent. Kids who are alert and in touch can head off problems...
...having children nearby or in close contact doesn't guarantee that a parent will cooperate in his or her care. Take the case of the New York personnel director. After her mother moved to the nearby retirement condo, she became ill and needed 24-hour home care for a time. Her daughter found the perfect aide, but when the older woman felt stronger, "Mom took out all her frustration on the aide. She was mad that she needed help with things." There was no reasoning with her, so the daughter replaced the aide with someone to help her mom shower...
Finally, the daughter used a tested tactic in such parent-child standoffs: bring in a trusted third party--a sibling, friend, doctor, lawyer or priest--to speak with the balky parent. In this case the daughter asked the facility's doctor to help. He told the sick woman that the facility had to send someone every day to supervise her medication; otherwise it would feel obliged to move her to its assisted-living section. "It was put to her as a choice," her daughter explains. "Finally she agreed...
...learned. "If my mother chooses to live with piles of mail everywhere--if she sleeps on top of her bed instead of in her bed--it's still her decision. As long as it's not unsafe, I let go of it." It's critical to make the parent feel in charge, she says, but it's much more work. "And it's psychologically draining...