Word: penned
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First place goes to UBS with their smooth, sleek, gray and silver pen. The color palette says to those who see it, “yes I work ridiculous hours, but I’m rich, bitch!” Nevertheless, what matters is what’s under the hood, so to speak, and taking the top off this pen doesn’t disappoint. Once the cap is removed the entire balance of the pen changes. This is because the inside of the cap is lined with a soft rubbery material. The pen now balances perfectly...
...also gets bonus points for being the only company to provide two different types of pens. The other model is an exercise in function over form. With a highlighter on one end and a pen point on the other, it is the perfect accessory for this multitasking generation. However, the pretentious name of the pen, the “Senator,” and the condescending instructions telling us to “twist” to open the pen, hurts its overall score. The pen’s most glaring design flaw is the cap for the highlighter...
Second place goes to the MDT Advisers pen, which proves that even with the most phallic-shaped objects, size doesn’t matter. The all-silver pen with black writing is even sleeker than the UBS pen. However, the pen receives only runner-up status because it’s too simplistic. There’s no color, there’s no life. A pen has to be like a model and change its look with its function: “You’re cheetah! You’re a lamb! You’re an iguana...
...bronze medal goes to the Capital One pen. With its bright pink design, Capital One shows a little dexterity beyond their ridiculously bad Viking commercials (or are those Huns?). What’s more, the inside of the body of the pen is a game in which one must guide a silver ball through a maze, much like the games we all got as party-favors when we were six. But just like those party-favor games, the pen’s game proved to be too difficult and frustrating, and soon we jumped on the pen shouting...
Finally, we regretfully must comment on the woeful showing of one Fidelity Investments. The company’s pen is a standard Bic, with the only customization being a green cap and Fidelity’s name and logo on the side. Fidelity, if you want to recruit us, don’t give us the kind of pen we steal from Holiday Inn. You’re an investment firm. How good can you being at making money when your pen is a cheap piece of crapsmanship? You’ll face our wrath for eternity. (Unless you give...