Word: pollack
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Both grapple with a universal truth: boys have complicated relationships with their mothers. Pollack, who is alarmed by what he calls the "silent crisis" of "normal" boys, says we live in a confused society in which mothers are afraid to cling to their sons. On the one hand, we ask 1990s boys to be sensitive and expressive, and on the other, we saddle them with the culture's outdated notions of masculinity. The result is what Pollack calls the ever present "boy code"--a stoic, uncommunicative, invulnerable stance that does not allow boys to be the warm, empathic human beings...
...there any agreement at all on how to help avert crises? Sort of. Both advise boy-specific nurturing techniques, like engaging in action-oriented activity that will lead to conversation instead of asking direct "How do you feel?" questions. But Pollack says mothers (and fathers) must encourage a range of emotions and generally "stay connected" to their sons. The results of a recent study of 150 Northeastern boys (that provided some of the material for his book) led him to conclude that boys will eagerly communicate in a supportive environment. Gurian's all for connection, but primarily in the form...
...problem with both books is that they tend to rely on an oversimplified view of boys and their caretakers. On the whole, do we really see boys, as both claim, as toxic? Are we really surprised by Pollack's declaration that boys feel? Is it indeed a "well-kept secret," as his study finds, that boys count girls among their closest friends? Most important, do most mothers really thrust their young sons out into the world unprotected? And if so, might they be doing the same with their girls? Oddly, the hard evidence for this key thesis is absent from...
Nonetheless, what Gurian and Pollack both bitterly lament--and convincingly illustrate--is the peculiar pain, and the potential loneliness, of being a boy in America today. Especially acute are the adolescent years, when boys look hulking and powerful but are in fact needy and terrified. The statistics are scary: adolescent boys are five times as likely to commit suicide as adolescent girls; adolescent boys are 1.5 times as likely as girls to be victims of violent crime; boys are more likely to be diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and mental illnesses; and boys commit violent crime at a higher rate...
Sure, Gurian says, boys can't process emotional trauma as well as girls can, and without proper guidance can go haywire. And Pollack, as expected, says misdirected rage is a response to emotional repression and to society's message that anger is an acceptable male emotion. The latter argument--like Pollack's overall idea--seems more expansive and more convincing. But either way, we clearly ought to be paying more attention...