Word: poole
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...persuaded myself that pools weren't only for cartoon billionaires like Donald Trump or the Monopoly mascot. And then the contractor installing my pool introduced himself as--this is not a joke--Joe Rich...
...just because millions have one doesn't mean it's not an extravagance. Watching a tanker pump 30,000 gal. of water into an empty pool at a cost of $1,200 gives new resonance to the phrase "pouring money down a hole." Yes, that's less than a 10th of the water that the Neptune Pool at Hearst Castle holds, and we opted for vinyl and stamped concrete instead of Hearst's glass tile infused with gold and 17th century Italian bas-reliefs. Still, throw in a fence, a heater, a motorized cover and a filter pump that runs...
Some days, then, when I say I feel like a dip in the pool, I really do feel like a dip in the pool. The first (and only) time my wife and I swam at night, she said, "This is a scene from every slasher movie ever." It seemed so decadent--swimming under the stars in our own wooded backyard--that we half-deserved to be filleted by Freddy Krueger...
...then there are the manifold physical horrors: the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warns of RWIs (recreational water illnesses), which sounds like an airport code but is actually a euphemism for diarrhea from swallowed pool water. Insurance companies will no longer insure diving boards because of spinal injuries. Our pool came with no fewer than two dozen warning stickers to affix in and around it, so you feel as though you're swimming in a carton of Marlboros...
...water, chlorine, algicide. Still, the pool seldom has a proper pH: sometimes too much chlorine, sometimes none at all. There are days when I think of my pool as a malign presence that may or may not be full of chemicals, like having Barry Bonds in the backyard...