Word: priuses
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Dates: during 2010-2019
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Admitting there's a problem with her Prius would imply there's something imperfect about her entire Whole Foods lifestyle. The Prius has made her feel so superior that, when I drive it, she tells me I'm driving it wrong. My primitive method of accelerating to speed up and braking to slow down does not maximize miles per gallon, as she can show me on an annoying bar graph on that center screen. Prius owners work very hard to get as many miles per gallon as they can to win a game they like to call Getting...
...Prius owners act as if for every mile they drive, they prevent a coral reef from turning into a tidal wave that will hit Manhattan. (Most of my knowledge about global warming comes from The Day After Tomorrow.) Even though I drive a tiny Mini Cooper, I have been subtly shamed by all my friends in Los Angeles, a town that is one big river of Priuses. On Friday, I was shocked when a friend came over to dinner and he wasn't driving a Prius. It turned out he was driving his converted 1980s Mercedes that runs on vegetable...
...worst thing about the Prius is that it has given people in Hollywood a way out of the natural order of status competition. If you want your friends and associates to think you're more successful than you are, you should have to waste $130,000 on a Maserati. These days, no one owns any other kind of hybrid, because you can't tell from a distance that they're hybrids. If GM made a car shaped like a crying planet, it could give our government all its money back. (See the history of the electric...
...while, Prius drivers in L.A. even got to park at meters without paying and drive in the carpool lane without a passenger. You don't get to drive in the carpool lane without a passenger the day you give blood. You could save every child in Haiti, and you would still have to feed the parking meter. And yet we could not thank Prius owners enough for their sacrifice in driving a really nice car that costs less to fill up. If Mel Gibson had been in a Prius, the cops would have set up a motorcade...
...hoping that the Prius malfunctions don't lead to accidents, because the odds are I'd get run over. But I also hope they point out to Prius owners that their lives aren't perfect. So for now, I'm going to make fun of how their vehicles of the future can't figure out how brakes work. The only thing better than this would be if they recalled yoga...