Word: quaded
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First on the list is an improvement in transportation: the Quad/Yard catapult system. The catapults, one in Harvard Yard and one on the Quad grass, would be large, relatively cheap to build and operated by engineering and physics graduate students who pass an accuracy test...
...constructed on the flight path. If all goes well, the student would then be flung over half of Cambridge to his or her destination, landing in a thirty-foot-wide catcher's mitt specially constructed near the other catapult. In addition to their regular duties, for the betterment of Quad-river relations, the catapult operators would be allowed to seize any river-dwelling student who is heard to say "You live in the Quad? I've never even been there before!” and fire them at high speed into the side of the Sheraton Commander...
Also, in a much-needed move to fight Quad stereotypes, the catapult operators would be required to grab any Quadling who came to breakfast wearing inappropriate clothing (including, but not limited to, nightgowns, obvious pajamas, bathrobes and spandex-based ensembles) and hurl them into Connecticut...
Next, we have to deal with Jordan--for you river people, living in Jordan is like being Quaded from the Quad. If students still have to live in this far-away dorm, they should be compensated with a wakeup call every weekday morning from President Neil L. Rudenstine's other duties should include "Wrestle-the President" study breaks and personal supervision of a Jordan petting...
After the catapult is constructed, the next bonus for those assigned to the Quad should be a Quad Beverage Geyser. This would be an enormous underground beverage reservoir underneath the grass of the Quad, which once every week would erupt like Old Faithful. Quadlings could then gather in front of their dorms with buckets and cups and catch the beverage-of-the-week as it falls. Certain landscaping difficulties could result--Jim Beam Week would probably kill all the grass, and Orange Tang week would leave a stain that could be seen from space--but these are minor difficulties that...