Word: rehab
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While you aspire to your six-pack abs, your miracle diet, your glamorous life in rehab, my supermarket checkout time is spent in a world without pretense. It's a world where we good, simple men have to prepare for danger lurking from aliens, protect an Elvis who is reassuringly ALIVE! but still eating poorly, and be aware that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein (also ALIVE!) are involved in a tumultuous, shaved-ape-adopting love affair in France. The Weekly World News fulfilled my reporter fantasies by ignoring the facts and my reader fantasies by doing it with very...
What happened to the coarsening of our culture? By now, to be a teen heartthrob, you should have done time in rehab, videotaped yourself having sex or been shot in the face at least once. But instead we've gone backward, from Frank Sinatra to Elvis Presley to Leonardo DiCaprio to Justin Timberlake to Zac Efron. By 2020, 12-year-old girls will be decorating their lockers with photos of the surgeon general...
...everyone is an alcoholic in high school," says Efron. "You go to high school and some kids haven't hit puberty yet." In fact, though he's 19 years old, Efron's voice still has a squeak to it, which fits in with his appeal as the anti-rehab kid. Though paparazzi follow him, especially after his supporting role in last month's Hairspray, the only change he's made is putting a shirt on when driving. The worst thing they've caught him doing is kissing his High School Musical co-star, Vanessa Hudgens, on a beach in Hawaii...
...there remains one category that people actually care about, it's Video of the Year, in which Winehouse's Rehab battles against Beyonce's Irreplaceable, Justice's D.A.N.C.E., Timberlake's What Goes Around? Come Around,, West's Stronger and Rihanna's Umbrella. Bet on Winehouse. But don't bet on a lot of people tuning...
...aggrieved. Her son, a former coal miner, is serving a 15-year prison sentence after being caught with two OxyContin pills and 2.4 grams of cocaine. She was angered that the fines were mostly going to state and federal Medicaid fraud or other health programs, not specifically to rehab programs. And now she feels like these executives would just go back up north with less of a sentence then they deserved. "They should do some community service in our state," she said. "They should go to a rehab here...