Word: relationships
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...upcoming book What Do You Want from Me? (out in the U.S. July 2009 and later in the U.K.), Terri Apter, a psychologist at Cambridge University, uses research gathered over the past 20 years to show that the relationship between female in-laws can be far more tense than the one between a man and his wife's mom. After speaking with 163 people, Apter discovered that more than 60% of women felt that friction with their husband's mother had caused them long-term stress. Despite all the gags, only 15% of men complained that their mothers...
...norms embedded in your own family," says Apter. "Sometimes this is an obvious concern about ethnic differences or religious differences"; sometimes it's about whose job it is to do the ironing. "From women of the older generation, there was a sense of being frozen out of the relationship," says Apter. "And from the younger generation, a sense of constant disapproval or intrusion." In Apter's study, two-thirds of women said they felt their mothers-in-law were jealous of their relationships with the sons, while two-thirds of mothers-in-law said they felt excluded by their sons...
...married just over a week ago, so I haven't had a mother-in-law for long. So far, so good. In the 10 days we've been in-laws, and the five years before that when my husband was my boyfriend, my relationship with his mom has been blissfully stress-free. And while we both like to think we're too charming and too wise to lock horns, there are other factors at play that help us stay friendly. One is proximity - or, in our case, the lack thereof. My husband and I live in London, while his mother...
Another savior of our relationship is my husband's relationship with his mother. "If I doubted my son's love for me, I'd be more likely to see you as a threat," she tells me. "But I don't." Apter's research supports that theory; she found that doubt is what drives any conflict between women and their mothers-in-law. "The root of the problem is vulnerability," says Apter, "the fear that the valuable relationship between mother and son is under threat as lives change. Mothers are left thinking, 'Will I still be valued for what I bring...
...what happens if my husband and I have children? Raising kids is rife with possible in-law-infuriating issues: disposable diapers vs. cloth, breast-feeding vs. the bottle, video games vs. chess club. How will the decisions my husband and I make about our kids affect my relationship with my mother-in-law? "If you have children," she says, "I'll be blaming you for all their problems, not my son." She's only kidding. But for some women, that's one mother-in-law joke that's no laughing matter...