Word: rods
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...America's small-market teams like baby seals and tigers and red sox, you have to suffer during the off-season too. In the biggest moral affront yet to your sense of fairness, last week the Yankees--already the richest, best team in baseball--traded for Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod)--the richest, best player in baseball. The Yankees now have a slightly better lineup than the National League All-Star team, one of whose members will undoubtedly be the Yankees' second baseman by the play-offs...
...worst part for you is that the rich Yankees got A-Rod at a subsidized price just by being smart. Baseball's most expensive, egregious contract was given to Rodriguez three years ago by the Texas Rangers: $252 million over 10 years, much of which they will still have to pay to unload him. Imagine how much more they would have given him if President Bush were still the Rangers' owner. That guy loves giving rich people more money...
...Zeffirelli stuffed his cast with stars of varying aptness: Laurence Olivier rolling his eyes as Nicodemus, Rod Steiger spuming as Pilate, Ernest Borgnine in the John Wayne role. Olivia Hussey, less than a decade after Zeffirelli's "Romeo and Juliet," is Jesus' mother (another movie where the actors playing the son is older, here by seven years, than the actress playing his mother). Anne Bancroft is Magdalene - the casting director must have mixed up the two Marys...
...surprising, since he lives there and hosts a cable access talk show ("Jesus and Pals"). A good and mild man in a mad and wild world, Jesus has fought a championship boxing match with Satan (episode 108), attempted to calm Millennium jitters at a Las Vegas concert with Rod Stewart (episode 316), and battled evil cult-magician David Blaine with the help of his Super Best Friends Buddha, Moses, Mohammed, Krishna, Lao Tse and the Mormons' Joseph Smith...
...People come to America for the same reason that A-Rod wanted to join the Yankees: both are well-run organizations with long histories of success. "I felt the allure of the tradition and the opportunity to win," said Rodriguez. People confuse pity with morality, but, as America has been arguing explicitly for several decades, there is nothing amoral about strength if it is used properly. The Yankees have good players, and the Romans made awesome aqueducts. Do you really think it makes you a better person to wish success upon a team with bad management, poor decision making...