Word: schnarch
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That cranky quarter of the peace-seeking married contingent may find a sympathetic soul in David Schnarch, author of the book Passionate Marriage and creator of the Crucible Approach to marital therapy, which upends nearly all the conventional tenets of couples counseling. He says he is the therapist of last resort for many couples who go to his Marriage and Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colo., for an intensive four-day session: "The worse shape your marriage is in, the more this is the approach of choice." Nor does he recommend that a warring couple break up--that's just...
...Schnarch argues that the main issue for most troubled couples "isn't their lack of communication skills. If spouses aren't talking to each other, they are still communicating. They each know they don't want to hear what the other has to say. But communication is no virtue if you can't stand the message. We help people to stand the message." He says couples don't get that from conventional therapy, which tends to pathologize relationships rather than work with their strengths. In the Crucible system, "we don't treat people like they're sick. We speak...
...Schnarch uses the word crucible in two senses: metallurgical (a strong cauldron) and metaphorical (a test or trial). Both definitions can aptly describe the state of marriage. So in his therapy it's out with the elevator-music approach to saving marriages, in with the hard rock and harsh truths. Dare to tear apart the fuzzy, flabby, ego-suppressing dual personality that is your marriage and find your inner you. That effort will create a stronger individual, one who can deal with a partner with more integrity and authenticity...