Word: soccer
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...intensity, Arena does not take a dim view of having fun. In Seoul, the team is staying at a downtown Marriott to be in the midst of the festivities. In previous Cups, they were soccer monks, isolated in country retreats. "Bruce understands the importance of enjoying the Cup," says midfielder Cobi Jones. "We feed off of all that positive energy...
There are just two things about the World Cup that prevent Americans from caring: it involves soccer and the rest of the world. We could get over the soccer part eventually - after all, it's kind of like the soccer we make our suburban children play, only without the goal scoring. But the global part just isn't going to happen. When I hear that Tunisia is playing Belgium for the crucial Group H runner-up spot, all I want is a map. The only way Americans are going to learn another country's name is if it attacks...
...glad they beat us, since we wouldn't have enjoyed it if we had won. We don't throw ticker-tape parades for beating Iran at stuff, because if we did, we'd be short on ticker tape. The only thing we could possibly lose to Iran at besides soccer is subjugating women. Now that Russia isn't important, there's no one for us to get juiced about. The Taliban, unfortunately, don't even have a soccer team, which doesn't make sense since they spend all that time at camps...
...world really wants us to watch their cute little no-handsy sport, they've got to make an effort. The world has done a poor job marketing this World Cup thing to us. There's no Burger King tie-in, no campaign with Matthew Perry going Soccer Crazy as a pre-emptive excuse for going to rehab. Would it be too much to ask that France's Zinedine Zidane develop Le People's Eyebrow? You know who's doing World Cup commentary on TV? Me neither, but I'm pretty sure it's not Snoop and Ozzy Osbourne...
...just because Americans grew up playing soccer in adolescence doesn't mean we want to watch other people do it; we also grew up bowling and arguing about who should hang up first. The intrinsic problem with soccer is that a goal can occur at any time, including breaks for nachos, beer or the bathroom. Unlike the rest of the world, with their soccer and cricket and goat malleting, we have perfected our sports so that you only have to tune into the last two minutes to see if Shaq can hit his free throws. We're a busy people...