Word: sominex
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...N.F.L. vs. Sominex Pro football has become the 60-yd. game as conservative teams trudge (one-two- three, kick) between the red zones. Teams settle for wussy little field goals (up 47% this year) instead of going for big manly touchdowns (up only 12%). And once again the behemoth National Conference is headed for lopsided victory in another Stupor Bowl. So why would the Fox network want to pay $1.58 billion for four years of this No-Fun League...
...nation excited about the Super Bowl. TV and radio talk show host Jim Rome has already predicted a 3-2 "blowout" victory for the Giants. Columnist Norman Chad has coined the game Super Bore XXXV. And CBS is in a perfect position to sell advertising to Sominex...
...pushed the initially taciturn ex-Senator to articulate why he wanted to be President (before a Roger Mudd wannabe could) and to describe what he stood for in ways that wouldn't make voters' eyes glaze over. Some of the group's ideas for jazzing up Senator Sominex were deemed too creative. (That's always a hazard when you are culling advice from a world where adult diapers are hawked as a fashion statement.) The campaign reportedly rejected doing an aerial shot of a giant pair of shoes to conjure up the former Knick as tall and Lincolnesque. But Bradley...
...dagger. For $20,000, he could say, "Is that a dagger that I see before me? Methinks I recognize it from the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog." (For $40,000, he will seize the implement and use it to slice some cheese.) The King also has trouble sleeping. A Sominex visual would be $20,000; for $40,000, he would actually swallow a pill; for $60,000, his insomnia can be cured, though this will take some rewriting...
...reporting at Dunster House helped somewhat. There was an epidemic of sorts there a couple of weeks ago, and a friend of mine, formerly a scrupulous citizen, has turned to mild drug-pushing. He recommends Unisom. "They're blue and tiny and just have the lookof potency," he explains. "Sominex is big and yellow and I think it's a fake...