Word: splats
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While I'm at it, I might as well make myself the hero of the story. Ever since donning that red sheet around my neck as a child and jumping off the stairs screaming "Up up and a [tumble tumble splat] ugh!" I've wanted to be a fictional super-hero, but nowadays I'd settle for a fictional super-schlub...
Sometime this summer -- it's probably already happened -- you will hear that hateful little trump. At the first sound of its intensely annoying whiny hum, faint but frantically high-pitched, you'll hold stock-still, on full alert, hand raised at the ready. And then: splat. One less mosquito to trouble the peace of man and beast...
...food page. Abruptly, one of memory's custard pies sails out of a time warp and hits me in the snoot. The Times describes a fine restaurant, called the Tapawingo, serving cassoulet of morels, and veal with forest fettucine, dinners $22 to $32 with first course and salad, in -- SPLAT! -- Ellsworth, Mich. My reaction is dismay. Ellsworth doesn't belong in the Times. It belongs in my earliest memories, where it has been for the 40 years since I last saw it. Ellsworth is my grandfather's farm, with a huge scary bull, and the dark, musty...
...derived by computer analysis of 50 leading indicators or by going out and staring at the moon, depending on one's methodology, is that the future looks bad. The audience of gray and balding heads does not know if the economy will make a soft landing or a big splat, but for now they have their assets safely tucked away in Treasury bills and money-market funds, where the 9% or 10% return makes it O.K. to be boring...
July 30, The Bags, The Splat Cats, and the Piranha Brothers...