Word: syrup
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...protect us from snake-oil salesmen. The Government quite rightly went to court to make Carter's Little Liver Pills stop implying that they had anything to do with liver function (they are now advertised as a laxative). And we now know that Lydia Pinkham's soothing syrup, once a favorite remedy for women's ills of all sorts, was 20% alcohol. The FDA argues, as do most doctors, that ineffective medications can be harmful because they tend to prevent a patient from seeking effective treatment. It is on that ground that the agency has fought against letting cancer victims...
...supermail is shattering old ways. In the past, far-flung customers of the L.L. Bean mail-order company waited as long as nine days for their merchandise to arrive. This Christmas season, though, Bean will guarantee shipment of its maple syrup, Chamois Cloth shirts and other items in just four days via Federal Express for an extra $7.50. Says John Findlay, Bean's senior vice president: "There's too much at stake at this time of year to make our customers wait...
...pimple. But Philip Michael Thomas, 36, and Don Johnson, 36, stars of the new TV show Miami Vice, risked complexion and cavities to do their part at a two-day chocoholics' festival. The pair took turns on a spring-loaded seat over a 400-gal. vat of chocolate syrup, while a bevy of young girls lobbed baseballs at the target for $3 a pop. After three splashdowns each in the high-calorie goo, the men were just too delicious for the girls to resist. Recalls Thomas: "They licked the chocolate off my hairy chest." For their lickerish female admirers...
There came Brenda Fatigue, Regius Professor of Office Fashion, Ed Flue, Associate Professor of Logging: Burnside Marconi, Instructor in Televiewing: Syrup Concoct Poet-in-Residence: Benjamin Manila, Chairman of the Stationary Department: G. Root Garbage, Counselor in Veneral Diseases;...Heinz Pogrom, Horst Wessel Professor of German Philology: Gladys Bung, Dietary Tactician; Fifi Galleon, instructor in French Jobs; Catherine Thigh, Director of Sexual Services, Nicholas Syph, Bureaucracy Professor Emeritus...
...elaborate ingredients are needed, so you won't be left with half a bag of flour of a barely used bottle of corn syrup. Some ingredients can even be picked up in the dining hall. It doesn't really matter if you don't finish all the ingredients anyway, since leftovers such as chocolate chips are guaranteed to disappear in any room...