Word: umbrellas
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...UMBRELLA season in Cambridge once again. But while some may curse the rain and see these ubiquitous portable canopies as essential protection, they do not recognize that they are nothing less than a public menace of the highest order...
...Umbrella abuse is just another example of the pernicious abuse of individual freedoms in our society. Like those who carry handguns or operate automobiles, umbrella users pose a serious danger to the general public. That they are allowed wantonly to menace unarmed rainy-weather walkers is a disgrace in a community such as Cambridge--one at once beset by wet weather and committed to protecting the welfare of its citizens...
...Sure, umbrellas help keep you dry, but so do raincoats. Of course, an umbrella eliminates the need to wear a hat or a hood to keep your head dry, but this marginal gain for the umbrella carrier leaves the unarmed streetwalker at constant risk of personal injury. Moreover, while umbrellas may keep some individuals dryer than they would otherwise be, their widespread use inevitably leads to a wetter sidewalk population as innocent bystanders are forced into puddles and drenched by diverted drips...
...COURSE, umbrellas are not inherently evil. They are simply an example of a personally beneficial utility being used in an anti-social way. If umbrella users were more considerate they might peacefully coexist with those who use other means of staying dry. For example, the carriers could make efforts to keep their barbed canopies above eye level and, like cars, they could defer the right of way to less menacing pedestrians...
...really expect voluntary guidelines for umbrella carrying conduct to work? To think so would simply be native, Certainly education is important, for our sidewalks will never be safe until everyone who uses them understands the dangers of thoughtless umbrella carrying. However, voluntary measures would be inadequate and irresponsible in the face of what can only be termed a grave threat to public health...