Word: vapir
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World peace. The Grateful Dead. Recent breakthroughs in the field of hydroponics. Chocolate cake. Though seemingly staggering in their randomness, these concepts might suddenly assume a certain cosmic unity immediately after (and for roughly three to five hours following) use of the Vapir, the world’s most advanced “digital aromatherapy vaporizer...
...Vapir is to stand, sit or, perhaps, nap peacefully on the vanguard of smoking technology. The Vapir actually takes the smoke out of smoking by heating rather than burning the herb, which permits the user to enjoy what the Vapir heralds as the very “essence of plant.” With the use of infrared rays, convection currents and its own microprocessor, the Vapir is capable of heating herbs to temperatures up to 400 degrees Fahrenheit, releasing the herb as a barely visible vapor mist rather than as smoke...
Before the Vapir, herbal enthusiasts could rarely partake of the essence of plant without at least one cough, choke or hack marring the experience. By doing away with smoke and most of its carcinogens, the Vapir ensures those nettlesome signs of impending lung cancer won’t get in the way of a good time. In the words of the 19th-century novelist Victor Hugo, which appear on the very first page of the Vapir’s user’s manual, “There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world...
...knows what the hell Hugo was smoking or out of what he was smoking it when he proclaimed the Vapir superior in force to all the world’s armies. It is, however, fair to say that the Vapir, in all its technological newfangledness, could at the very least hold its own against the Canadian navy...
...With the Vapir, you can vaporize just about anything, you name it: tobacco, mint, coriander, dang qui, adder’s tongue, purging buckthorn, nodding wakerobin, or any other herb you might have lying around the house. Even that herb your roommate keeps in abundance in sandwich baggies at the back of his sock drawer—ostensibly for its “perfuming properties”—would work just fine. It’s doubtful the Canadian navy would let you vaporize anything on board the HMCS Saskatoon...