Word: wwf
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...should preface this whole endeavor by stating that before Dec. 6, 1999, the only WWF in my vocabulary stood for the World Wild Life Fund. You know, that nice place that helps you save the unfortunate sooty terns and invertebrate spawning grounds in Tortuga and sends you posters of pandas? But since I have no idea where Tortoga is and had nothing else to do on a Tuesday night, I figured I'd go check out this other WWF...
...bored. The novelty of seeing live body-slams soon wore off, and somehow the headlocks just weren't as dramatic without WWF's in-your-face camera close-ups. Indoor fireworks always impress me, and the ones at Smackdown! were no exception; but this time only because I was wondering how on earth WWF regularly gets fire permits in such a large number of cities across the nation. Who with even a drop of sanity would trust someone named "Degeneration X" with large quantities of explosives...
...wearing a purple pleather jacket, black tights and stiletto heels, with rhinestone-studded hoop earrings and a can of what I'm sure was aerosol hairspray. It was becoming increasing clear that attire was key; a point I apparently needed some work on. Jeans were a must, but your WWF T-shirt declared true allegiance to the fraternity--to wear anything else was simply bad etiquette. The T-shirts diverged into two categories: the c.1986, neon-yellow version with the image of the Incredible Hulk airbrushed across the front, or the c.1999, brand-new, still-has-the-vendors-creases...
...belief that WWF is undeniably horrible as an institution was only been confirmed by my ring side seat. The morals, gender codes and so-called patriotism it condones make my stomach queasy. The wrestlers are over-paid to do nothing (they don't even look particularly good in those spandex things), and, as performers, could use some work. Wrestling lessons would be at the top of my list, with a few lessons on acting as a close second and haircuts a definite third. As I watched yet another wrestler gesture at his groin, I realized that my mace was futile...
...haven't, though I suppose I'm familiar with it. When I'm on line in the supermarket, I always see on the covers of TV Guide these big, buxom blondes and then it says something about WWF. So I imagine an element of sexiness is combined with violence...